The Gig Gorilla

by Gig Girl on October 27, 2010

There are many things I love about where I live.  Technically a “city,” my home base offers all the conveniences of modern living while holding on to the quaint characteristics specific to many rural NH towns.  Yes, we have a Starbucks.  But, we also have foliage, wonderful neighbors and an array of indigenous wildlife.  Despite living on one of our busier streets, the boys and I have seen woodchucks, beavers, wild turkeys, deers and foxes right in our own backyard.

So, it didn’t surprise Gig Girl when I found myself suddenly awoken from a deep sleep about a month ago due to the raucous howls of some wild animal outside my bedroom window.  The creature’s cries were shrill and haunting and I raced (okay fine, my racing days are temporarily on hold…I waddled) to my window, certain I would find a vicious fisher cat roaming the sidewalk near my front yard.  I saw nothing.  Figuring that the fisher cat found some poor four legged victim to prey upon and made off with it into the night, I rolled my buxom and unwieldy frame back into bed and quickly resumed my slumber.

About an hour or so later, the piercing death screams of the unidentifiable beast resumed and once again scared me sleepless.  As I bolted upright in my bed, I caught the tail end of the guttural and primal howl and realized to my complete and utter mortification…

GIG GIRL WAS THE UNIDENTIFIABLE BEAST – THOSE VICIOUS NIGHT HOWLS WERE COMING FROM ME!

Yes, I do realize that snoring rears its ugly head in most pregnancies. However, the sheer force of my own vocal emissions simultaneously terrorized and horrified me.  It seemed almost supernatural…seriously.  “Well, at least I didn’t wake up the Hubs,” I thought and patted where he should be in our bed.

His side of the bed was empty…

Once again hurling my gargantuan form forward and planting my swollen, cankled feet on the floor, I went looking for dear Hubs (despite the fact that his pillow was also missing, I was still holding onto the flimsy shred of hope that perhaps he hadn’t realized I now sound like a morbidly obese old man with an iron lung and he was outside in an attempt to valiantly defend his family from the vicious and fictitious fisher cat outside).  But alas, as I opened the door to O’s room, I counted not 2, but 3 head silhouettes outlined in the darkness.

“Et tu, Reginald?” I whispered into the still night and met with a pair of soft puppy eyes that silently implored, “Please…don’t make me go back in there.”

So, like many third trimester pregnant women, Gig Girl has taken to snoring.  Only, I’ve taken these innocuous and generic night time noises to an entirely new sound decibel which has caused several awkward and embarrassing moments for me.  I’ve tried to take each episode in stride as best I can.

However, I’m pretty sure I hit rock bottom this past Monday night.

At around 12:30 am, I bolted awake suddenly.  I immediately made eye contact with Hubs, who had the bedroom door cracked open slightly and was crouched down beside it, poised in Kung Fu Panda pounce position.

Gig Girl: (whispering) Hey, what’s going on?

Hubs: (also whispering) I heard a huge noise and the house just shook, like someone slammed the door downstairs.  So I’m just making sure no one is breaking in….

As he put the whole picture together, Hubs voice softly trailed off and then….

Hubs: It was youuuuuuuuuu…….

Yes, that’s right.  Gig Girl’s snoring is so savage and unearthly that it actually forced our entire bedroom into tremors so violent that Hubs, still slightly deluded with slumber, thought that someone was breaking into our house an entire floor beneath us.

After this horrifying truth settled in, our mutual shame forced us into complete silence.  Hubs mutely walked away from the still slightly ajar door, crawled into bed next to me and…grabbed his pillow and bolted at top speed from our room like a frightened schoolgirl!! Honestly, who could blame the poor thing?

We talked and laughed about it the next morning , which immediately racked my body with uncontrollable giggle snorts (another lovely respiratory characteristic I’ve acquired lately).

Apparently Gig Grizzly was a total misnomer. I’ve officially metamorphosed into a rotund Gig Gorilla whose unruly disregard for bedtime quietude has forced her into nightly solitary confinement…


{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristin October 28, 2010 at 9:52 am

No wonder we haven’t seen the fox around this year. You’ve frightened it away! And when I say fox I am not making any innuendo. I mean the red fox that travels the neighborhood. YOU’RE SCARING THE WILDLIFE AND UPSETTING THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS! What will happen to the food chain? Will we be be over run by crickets who are normally eaten by chipmunks who are normally eaten by squirrels who are normally eaten by fox?

Jenn October 28, 2010 at 4:17 pm

Given what you’ve been through, you are completely allowed to SNORE and make all the other noises you want.

debbie November 2, 2010 at 9:06 am

You are a great story teller! I was on the edge of my seat waiting to find out what wild animal was attacking you!
Dropped by from SITS to say hi.

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